Megs'

Taharuki!

For those of you who know what this means its Swahili for SUSPENSE.

No film premier could have brought this out clearer than Simiyu saMURAI. I attended this premiere yesterday and was surprised at the level of creativity in our producers.

The idea is that the audience determines what happens in the next episode. We were presented with four alternatives and you have to text your preference. This means i get to decide what happens in the next episode. Imagine you are watching your favourite show and right before your favourite star is hacked to death, you are presented with three options

1. Gets hacked to death

2. Runs in the opposite direction

3. Stays and fights

What would you choose? Watch Simiyu Samurai and decide for yourself.

Kudos to Robby Bresson for this ingenious work. Am still holding my breath and i voted too ss4 to 2340.

http://simiyusamurai.com/

If it rains hailstorms and my face is scarred by ice,
please do not rescue me, you are not welcome.
if i need a transfusion and you have bounty in blood,
leave me be, keep your red puke
If yours is the only seed that can impregnate,
keep it, keep your nasty little demons
and if by chance you think you feel love for me
Shove it up your ass and squeeze.

Am sorry that I wasn’t worth the effort. Am sorry that my requests for courtesy seemed like impossibility and that our cute unborn babies will remain as such. Am sorry for choosing you even when I had a good and extremely worthy man by my side. Am sorry for loving you at a time when you were ready to stop loving me.
Am sorry am not the woman who endlessly cooks and cleans and serves even when the scale is so obviously tipped. Am sorry that I could not shut up about my unhappiness and your inadequacies. Am sorry for my inadequacy. Am sorry that you don’t love me despite them.
Am sorry that you do not have the energy for us that you so obviously have for your work and education. Am sorry that I was never a big enough priority and for acting out and leaving, for not choosing to stay miserable. Am sorry that I still had hope even after leaving.
Am sorry that it took you over a year to figure out that I couldn’t make you happy while it took me the same time to finally really want to be with you. Am sorry to have found myself in such a precarious position.
Am sorry for my shred heart and for my formerly uncried tears. Am sorry for my counted eggs,for my unborn children who have to wait another year, another time.
Am sorry I do not have the will to love another at the moment and even sorrier that I have to start all over again. Am sorry I was not perfect, that I left, but most of all, am sorry you couldn’t have loved me anyway.

I feel crushed, like a chunk of my heart just got smashed in and instead of hemorrhaging blood its sadness.Sudden attacks of sadness overwhelm me at times spoiling otherwise happy and carefree moments. These moments are as unpredictable as they are unwelcome as they often leave me feeling empty inside and will-less, if such a word exists.
They remind me of a time written of in novels when a person comes to a crossroad in their life and they have to choose a path even if each path ahead is uncertain and often times perilous. They bring me to the realisation that not all dreams get answered and that adults have to often times face up to this harsh reality in life and choose to either have new dreams or get depressed.

Ever feel like you are running around in circles only to arrive at the same miserable point?
And yet, there is always hope, as long as we live and breathe, there is always hope and there are always people who have it worse aren’t there? It makes little sense to to cry over the past even if it hurts. I think the best thing to do is to remember the serenity prayer.
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.
My quest is serenity.

Am drawn to intelligence, like a mosquito to light
It whispers to me and caresses me and enthralls
it reaches the core of me and permeates
not just anywhere, but where it matters
 
Confidence toys with me, as sure as the sun sets
it beckons me, it grips me and intrigues
it mesmerizes and alludes to a lot better
not just in one thing, but in many more
 
I’m nurtured by conversation,like the soil yearns for rain
it fills me up, feeds me and keeps me glued
makes me laugh, makes me cry
not just once, but all the time
 
Flirting teases me, like a cheater eyeing a baby gazelle
it waters my eyes, parts my lips and heaves my chest
it promises fulfillment of extreme ecstasy
not mildly, but explosively
 
Passion ignites me, like a giant roar
Wets my palette, piques desire and sparks life
its keeps me coming, coming back
not sometimes but most times

I have a craving,
I haven’t had one of this kind of cravings
not since I was younger, much much younger
its petulant and childish and shy but hungry.
I giggle and laugh airily then close my eyes and take a deep laboured breath, I remember
And I crave..
My heart beats faster, my eyes moisten and my voice becomes hollow, light and hoarse.
Am plotting, a place, a time, a next time,
My shy smile returns
Am rationalising, of do’s and don’ts and of desires and wants
Am fantasizing of sighs and sounds and acts and warmth and skin
And lips and limbs and thrusts and vigour and panting and I crave
My heart beats faster, my breath is burdening,
Am plotting, a place, a time, the next time,
Am brazen now
Am rationalising of place and time of age and living, I remember
Am older, much much older
Am bold and strong, willful and certain
I smile, a sly side smile and lick my lips and focus
I have a craving, but not for long.

I love you so much, and even as I say the words, I realise how small they sound in light of all the troubles that life has brought. Nevertheless, what other way is there to tell someone that he makes your heart smile,that he lights you up on the inside and that you are his. What way is there to let someone know that you are terrified that he may not feel the same and that your feeling will fall and keep falling with no one to catch it.

And so I say I love you with the realisation of my age, my experience, my mistakes and my hurting of you. I love you with my hopes, my dreams, my future and with my mind and body.

You are who I desire, you are the one I hope for, you are the one from whom life will spring forth in me and with any luck, you are my future.

My heart beats faster when I think of your smile, when I think of your hug and when I think of your affectionate touch.

My heart beats faster and in that moment, I text “I love you so much” and hope that you understand that this is what I mean.

1.I am sure that while i may not know what direction my life is meant to take,i dont want to go through it alone and i dont want to keep searching.I just want to be and feel like someones special person and he mine.
2.I do not want to hurt anyone anymore ie break anyones heart
3.I want to get back in touch with my Lord and saviour
4.I want to be happy but not at the expense of someone else.
5.I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes.And I definitely want to get past the mistakes I have made in the past.
6.I get too hot blooded sometimes and I wish my hormones would just calm down and stop trying to get me into trouble.
7.I know what I like and what I dont like and while I am swayable, it only applies if am digging the sway.
8.I am fiercely independent.
9.I am stubborn
10.I have a hard time loosing control.
11.I run away when relationships get very difficult
12.I do not like confrontation and will avoid it at all costs
13.I rarely cry- maybe once or twice a year
14.I believe in myself professionally
15.I rarely become insecure relationshipwise.
16.I am a romantic- I believe in a man finding little ways to show me that he cares.
17.I am definitely not materialistic, do not bother to fancy it up on my behalf, i’d just be as happy eating mutura off the street as I would be eating pork chops in a 5 star restaurant
18.I’d rather go dancing than hiking anyday
19.I’m a sucker for roadtrips though I wish I had more.
20.I love my family to death and if you want in with me, you better love them too.
21.I love babies, I love holding them and playing with them and putting them to bed. I cant wait to have my own.
22.I have a firce belief in the importance of a complete family.
23.I am utterly and completely pro-life. I would never ever take the life of another just for my convenience.
24.I have a mean streak. Especially in relationships and especially if am annoyed.
25.I sometimes lack patience.
26.I dont like to get drunk and do not often drink. My body cannot take it.
27.I have never been number 1 all my life but somehow turned out to be quite intelligent- if I do say so myself.
28.I have few friends and dont see them as often as I would like but I love them to bits.
29.I can be my own worst critic.
30.I love with my whole heart though with age am more guarded about it.
31.I like a man who is in charge, slightly arrogant but gentle all the same.
32.I love it gentle, passionate and fast is over-rated.
33.The key into my pants and to staying in my heart is kissing. You get that right and you wont need to worry about anything.
34.I am very affectionate, very touchy touchy and incredibly silly when am in love.
35.I am comfortable in my own skin and have no great objection to nudity.
36.I am a good cook and getting better partly because I love to cook, especially for someone special.
37.I do not like to be taken advantage of and know when I am.
38.I am quite perceptive and can tell real from fake people.
39.I lecture too much- be warned of reporting to me at work.
40.I rarely get quarrelsome and avoid people who do.
41.I avoid negative people.
42.I am at times shy.
43.I have a fear of being barren. Next to that I fear snakes.
44.People think am sweet when they meet me, am really not.Others also think am snobbish, partly because I have a shy side.
45.I am not afraid of new challenges in life and hence my job hopping.
46.I confess that I may still be a baby and sometimes like to feel taken care of.
47.I have a big ego.
48.Men think I am not submissive.
49.I have strong opinions.
50.I love chocolate, ice cream, mutura, and matoke. Not necessarily in that order.

My Inspiration,

I did not go to a hotel room, after that day in your office, I was done. I did not wait, I did not get hurt. Perhaps you are mistaken.

There are things that do not need to be spoken things that change a person from within and are felt by those around us

He felt it, long before he cornered the truth out of me, I changed.

What could I confess? That I felt no remorse? That it was awesome? That I was overwhelmed? I kept quiet and evaded, and in my silence, he knew.

And he began to show up unexpectedly, albeit hoping to catch me at something and he began to read my emails, and found something, a minor chat with a girlfriend Armed with his knowledge, he confronted me, I still denied, he still knew.

Eventually, months later, after I had fled into the arms of another, I finally confessed. And now, having fled, almost a year later, I have to leave and find myself

for we started up on the wrong footing and used each other to heal

We are all healed to the realization that we made a rushed decision and the truth is stark clear, I committed something that can never be undone or forgot and the power of the act left me unable to deal with my reality and I fled -sought and found solace and buried myself there.

Now am awake, ready to join the world of the living, possibly alone.

And then you write, to overcome me with emotion of things past,

as my clock ticks and my eggs reduceand uncertainty still clouds my life and my reputation tainted in the sight of my family as their angst sets in.

What is the meaning of this? To what end do you send this? Do you not see how damaged I am?

I do not care to save you, rot in your choices if you must but i forbid you to take me with you.

There are no promises for you to make, No explanations you have to proffer and certainly no expectations to live up to.

My naive days are long long gone, there is only truth.

You are unable to confess me, unable to possess me.

You have and will always be unable.

There will always be the truth and you will always know it.

And certainly always live it.

For you live as one who is blind but you see.

You will always see the truth of your life.

I mourn for you, in my loneliness i still mourn for you. I will always mourn for you, there is nothing to give a dead man. Nothing but grief.

In life we always get a raw deal in something….e.g am at risk of developing diabetes type two,infertility, high blood pressure amongst other highly unfavourable conditions.

Apparently, i have had….for the longest time, a condition that causes insulin resistance which slows down consumption of glucose and blah blah blah (wont bore you with the scientifics), so i cant eat whatever i want whenever i want coz my body wont get rid of it as fast as i put it in…..Oh and the way i love to eat tasty stuff!! From chocolate to mbuzi choma to mangoes and black forest cake and peanuts and kuku choma and melons, not to mention ice cream !!!! Yum yum yum yum yuuuuum. Plus i have no allergies!! Talk about irony. C’est la vie

Not to mention that Maggie dearest has not been in the habit of self denial especially when it comes to cravings . I have always been secure in the knowledge that i could eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted without worrying about a few calories. Am not one of those self conscious ladies that considers a flat tummy the epitome of femininity!! Though i have standards too.

But Alas!! The older i have gotten, the more sluggish my cells have become!! and my body is punishing me for my lavishness and my lack thereof.

Consider this, two slices of bread with tea in the morning, half a cup of tea at 10.30am, a slice of melon, pineapple and 2 bananas for lunch, sugar cane at 5.00pm and dinner at 7.00pm (half a plate that is) of a balanced diet.

Now imagine yourself 5 kgs heavier on that diet in 3 months!!!!! (i click at this point) especially in the midriff section!!!

Am venting, i know, i know, there are people with greater problems than that but damn-it these are some of mine and am sure as hell going to vent if i want to!!!

Now i have to become a statistic and start “regular exercise” and crap like “watching what i eat and counting calories” coz a weekend of mad dancing just isnt enough anymore!! and my ever expanding mid section is now an unpleasant reality.

Sometimes, a colleague or random street person will comment to me “umekula sana” or ” na madam umeshiba” or some equally dubious ignorant comment, at which point i feel like hurling knives at them or cursing them or spitting at them. Little do they know that they probably consume 4X what i eat in a day and have the audacity to mock me coz thats the raw deal i got. How would you like it if someone made fun of your raw deal you ***hole? I almost say that but thank G od that cheerfulness is one of the things i got in abundance and most often i just laugh and say “Am happy, and thats why my body looks happy too”.

Whats your raw deal?