Megs'

You want me unhappy
To live everyday as a punishment for sins against you
You feel that my suffering is insignificant or unreal
Like all this time past has only been fun and games
You overlook all the loss i have had
Overlook all the altered dreams of tomorrow
Overlook my previously weeping heart
And wish me to stay in a state of remorse

You carry your pain like a badge of honour
That you can show me every now and then
yelling “You gave this to me” remember?
I carry my pain like a dirty secret
I hide it, sugarcoat it and look past it
Whispering “I refuse to live in the past”
You wish me to always remember my mistakes
I wish you would let me forget my shame

I want to be happy
To live everyday rejoicing for a better future
Knowing that i have cried and bled internally enough
Letting the past be healed albeit remembered
Etching out new dreams
Clinging to my blessings
Laughing and Loving
And living content with my everyday trials.

Almost everyone you meet will tell you that they want to have their own business and become their own CEO. The questions is, if we all became CEO’s, who will be the employee?

I pity people who become dissatisfied with their lives because society expects them to have bigger dreams. In case you did not know, not all of us are supposed to be the greatest or the best. We are meant to be the best that we can be and learn to be content while striving to improve. This means that there is someone who will be an employee all their life and will be happy with that, and there is that person who will become CEO.

Ambition is not something to be toyed with. The real kind requires passion, dedication, persistence,patience and  perseverance. Often times, we will fail one way or another. Not all people are gifted with the drive to be CEO’s and the worst you can do is to think of yourself as a failure when in reality, you had set a target that simply could not be yours.

If you think of the founding CEO’s you have encountered or even successful artistes, how many of them had it easy when starting? Many of them have had to make sacrifices like not having a family, starting out without a home, extreme study, poverty, child abuse…among many other undesirable characteristics. The sacrifices continue well into the life of the business.

I often think that people ought to ask themselves, while you covet someones life, do you honestly believe you could have endured what they did to get there?  If you turn the clock to the time before they had anything, could you have survived? I was one of those people that was fortunate to have parents who made sure that i never went hungry, always went to school and never lacked clothes to wear. Unfortunately, this could also mean that i got used to a stable comfortable life and may not be inclined to take high risks in life.

Another trait is that many of them started early in life. If you are past 25 and have yet to do anything that one can refer to as “hustling” you may not own your company one day and that’s okay. Just make sure that whatever you do, you rise at it to the best of your ability and always strive to improve.

I’m always drawn to you. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes, or what nonsense we put each other through. There is a force inside me that is all about you.

People always carelessly say that time heals all wounds but sometimes this is just a cop-out so that they don’t have to make the tough decisions for today. I should know, i am a master of running. The trouble is that not all wounds are meant to heal, some wounds are meant to be overcome and the scarring over time becomes a pleasant reminder of how much we overcame to be where we are. We did not run with the time excuse.

You see, sometimes someone leaves an imprint on you that time simply cannot erase. It doesn’t mean that you will not be happy, it just means that you always know that it could have been better.

People always also say that “you should learn from the mistakes of others”. trouble is that no one is perfect, and unfortunately some of us take time to mature in some areas. The painful lessons that we learn from experience, are usually the ones we are least likely to repeat and the ones that shape who we become. They are the most likely to help us extremely appreciate the blessings that we have and cling to them with our lives.

So as i acknowledge how much i am drawn to you, i also acknowledge that you may be one of those wounds that was never meant to heal and i do hope that the “time heal all wounds” cliche will at least prove to be true in my case for i do not appreciate a lifetime of thinking that it could have been better.

Its always important in your life to have people reminding you of who you are and what you stand for.

I had quite forgotten myself for the last few months, i was buried in heartbreak and after that i was buried in regret and shame. Then soon after that, i was overcome with the urgency to atone for my mistakes and make things right.

As a result, i have exhibited a flurry of erratic behaviour, none of which had my best interest at heart. Common phrases you would hear from me included

• my clock is ticking
• i want babies
• who the hell wants to start all over again
• i really screwed up
• it was my fault
• I don’t deserve it

Now you know what all these phrases reek of? DESPERATION!!! yeah i said it. I’m not proud of it but those are the consequences of forgetting yourself.

Thing about me is that i hate to be alone. I have always lived with a very large family at my folks and/or friends in campus up until 4 months ago. I am what you would describe as a LOVE-Junkie. I have been surrounded by lots of it all through my life and i just love it. I have never had a hard time finding a good man to love who reciprocated my love. I have always been on a love high!!  Imagine my withdrawal symptoms after finding myself single, living alone, with shattered dreams, a broken heart, regret and fast approaching 30.

I tried everything,

1. Fling- i tried to have a fling with my immediate x. Now that went horribly wrong- nothing happened and it just reminded me of why he was an X.
2. Reconcile with my old X. The one i had loved to bits and he had loved me but i did him OH so wrong. Now i owe this man one hell of an apology because i literally stalked the man with phone calls and endless invitations. I am mortified when i think about it! Again, i fell flat on my face.
3. Meet a new man- Now this is the most tragic of all tales because while i have managed to meet some interesting chaps, they have all had one thing in common. MARRIED OR LIVING WITH THEIR FIANCES. I wonder why the hell the interest in me in the first place, ladies you need to know your men!!
4. Partying and Events- there are only two flaws to this plan, finances and the right quorum. If either of those is missing, then you fall flat on your face, as i did. My body even fiercely rejected alcohol with as little as 2 kingfishers causing a hangover to reckon with (all symptoms included)!!

I was terrified last night!
I listened to gunshots and screams just below my window at 2.00am, i hit the floor,then ran to the bathroom where i couldn’t hear the screams. Those deafening screams of a man about to lose his life – violently. I was terrified.
I thought i should call someone, at 2.00am, i needed comfort. You came to mind, but i could not as the reality is there, we are no more.
I stood about my little house and listened till there was no more noise and i crawled into my bed and nursed myself to sleep.
As i did so, i gained a deeper appreciation for the male species, their strength and courage and calming effect at such times.
I reminded the Lord that i need me one of those for i never felt quite so feminine as i did right then.
My heart eventually stopped pounding and my mind ultimately stopped shocking and my rhythm returned and my eyes shut, opening up my mind to those unpleasant dreams that often always follow at such times.

I heard everything that my neighbours did and i dreamt everything that scared me.
I wished for my father, i wished for my husband, I wished and i prayed and eventually it was morning.

I can feel my little house closing in on me again as my resolve to be more active in my life starts to dissolve. Perhaps i am not ready to be a super active Diva.

I am tired of making mistakes in my life, this lessons to learn seem never ending and costly. Its time for a new chapter in my life. Its time for living and being happy. for dancing and innocence and love. Its time for family and children and growth…or at least i hope it is.

So i will hibernate in my little house for now, until the world stops being so daunting and depressing thoughts stop knocking on my door.

I will hibernate in my little house and learn to commune with myself without the need for another until such a time as the Lord deems fit to grant me the things that i believe it is time for me to have.

And that’s the funk i am in.

I am often amazed at the never ending horrid tales of the things that go on in marriage even as I look forward to a similar fate.

Lately I seem to meet my age-mates, freshly wed but eager to find a side squeeze to excite their lives and I can’t help but pity them and their wives.

That cannot compare to what I heard on radio today. Women who have been married for years , some of whom were fully aware of their spouses infidelity due to its ongoing persistent nature, now suffering from the dreaded DISEASE and some of them single mothers.

Its such a shame to foresee such a happening and still be there when it finally happens.  Truly tragic. Men and women need to be stronger. We need to value our families like we did in the past and respect our spouses.

Finally, if you’re going to step out on your partner anyway, have the bloody common sense to use a condom. Its not your partners fault that they married a cheating shit but you don’t have to be an idiotic shit too!!! 

I am regressing, back to that 19 year old girl that was into a man’s chiseled and fine chest.
The breast properly formed out into a hard small mound and the arms firm and thick with the etchings and curves of strength and muscle
I am regressing into the girl who would see that and her eyes would water and she would bite and lick her lower lip at the same time.
I see it in my mind, as my shy but wanting hand gently caresses that ripped torso. I breath in. A man so damn formed!!! Uuuuuh!
I am regressing into an adolescent and beginning to see the world as if i were a man. He looks like candy. Sweet Sweet delicious candy.
Good Lord!! I am truly truly regressing.

Last week things changed and i stopped wallowing in self pity. Its as if this great load was lifted from my shoulders and it was okay for me to move on. I realized that i had not been fair to myself in a very very long time and though i had taken steps towards getting there, the biggest change i needed was more of a psychological one as opposed to physical. A decision not to “”take this anymore”

I’ve had a pretty busy week because of it, i attended the Ivy O fashion show last Saturday- WOW, went for the DDD cocktail on Tuesday, attended the film premiere of Simiyu Samurai _WOW,  on Thursday and a wedding evening party on Friday. I still have plans with my friends for the weekend. All in all, life is not bad at all. You would be surprised at the opportunities available for spicing your life if you just let them. I apologise to my laptop/entertainment theater for my absence this week but doubt that my availability will return to what it was.

On the brighter side, my recent activity is starting to reflect positively on my formerly tight but now fitting jeans. Life is good. I will keep it that way.