Month: October 2011

The Love Junkie

Its always important in your life to have people reminding you of who you are and what you stand for.

I had quite forgotten myself for the last few months, i was buried in heartbreak and after that i was buried in regret and shame. Then soon after that, i was overcome with the urgency to atone for my mistakes and make things right.

As a result, i have exhibited a flurry of erratic behaviour, none of which had my best interest at heart. Common phrases you would hear from me included

  • my clock is ticking
  • i want babies
  • who the hell wants to start all over again
  • i really screwed up
  • it was my fault
  • I don’t deserve it

Now you know what all these phrases reek of? DESPERATION!!! yeah i said it. I’m not proud of it but those are the consequences of forgetting yourself.

Thing about me is that i hate to be alone. I have always lived with a very large family at my folks and/or friends in campus up until 4 months ago. I am what you would describe as a LOVE-Junkie. I have been surrounded by lots of it all through my life and i just love it. I have never had a hard time finding a good man to love who reciprocated my love. I have always been on a love high!!  Imagine my withdrawal symptoms after finding myself single, living alone, with shattered dreams, a broken heart, regret and fast approaching 30.

I tried everything,

  1. Fling- i tried to have a fling with my immediate x. Now that went horribly wrong- nothing happened and it just reminded me of why he was an X.
  2. Reconcile with my old X. The one i had loved to bits and he had loved me but i did him OH so wrong. Now i owe this man one hell of an apology because i literally stalked the man with phone calls and endless invitations. I am mortified when i think about it! Again, i fell flat on my face.
  3. Meet a new man- Now this is the most tragic of all tales because while i have managed to meet some interesting chaps, they have all had one thing in common. MARRIED OR LIVING WITH THEIR FIANCES. I wonder why the hell the interest in me in the first place, ladies you need to know your men!!
  4. Partying and Events- there are only two flaws to this plan, finances and the right quorum. If either of those is missing, then you fall flat on your face, as i did. My body even fiercely rejected alcohol with as little as 2 kingfishers causing a hangover to reckon with (all symptoms included)!!
You see, as a junkie, i had to find a fix somewhere and while this has normally never been challenging, for the first time in my life, i could not escape the reality of what i was doing. You see, you don’t always know you are a junkie, you always think that you have things under control and even as you rebound into another relationship or into a different lifestyle, you always think you are moving on with life- LIVING! Surrounded by “love”, you never have to face the truth of your actions. This time was different- I KNEW.
As i mentioned, i now lived alone and was able to reflect on my past actions like
  • Rebounding into relationships – i avoided this trap
  • Denial- not seeing the truth about myself and my actions- i avoided this
  • Rushing into things – i also avoided this trap.
But that only meant one thing, i was going through withdrawal the rough and hard way all by myself. Now you know a junkie will try anything to get her fix and i tried and failed ( luckily) until that phone call that reminded me of who i am.
Who am i? I am a strong ambitious lady that has worked hard for everything she has, that doesn’t accept crap from people and that knows what she wants in life and is not afraid to work hard for it. I am an optimist and a romantic who had a temporary stint at being pathetic and came out victorious on the other end.
So what will i do? Am still a love junkie but i’ll get it from my friends and family until such a time that the Lord grants me a worthy partner to provide it.
Watch out siblings, am coming to your homes for sleep overs and you better be ready for the dancing expeditions we will have. As for my friends, call me up for anything, i just became the most available, genuine and willing friend you have.
Yours truly,
The Love Junkie.

 

 

Terrified

 

I was terrified last night!
I listened to gunshots and screams just below my window at 2.00am, i hit the floor,then ran to the bathroom where i couldn’t hear the screams. Those deafening screams of a man about to lose his life – violently. I was terrified.
I thought i should call someone, at 2.00am, i needed comfort. You came to mind, but i could not as the reality is there, we are no more.
I stood about my little house and listened till there was no more noise and i crawled into my bed and nursed myself to sleep.
As i did so, i gained a deeper appreciation for the male species, their strength and courage and calming effect at such times.
I reminded the Lord that i need me one of those for i never felt quite so feminine as i did right then.
My heart eventually stopped pounding and my mind ultimately stopped shocking and my rhythm returned and my eyes shut, opening up my mind to those unpleasant dreams that often always follow at such times.

 

I heard everything that my neighbours did and i dreamt everything that scared me.
I wished for my father, i wished for my husband, I wished and i prayed and eventually it was morning.


The funk am in

I can feel my little house closing in on me again as my resolve to be more active in my life starts to dissolve. Perhaps i am not ready to be a super active Diva.

I am tired of making mistakes in my life, this lessons to learn seem never ending and costly. Its time for a new chapter in my life. Its time for living and being happy. for dancing and innocence and love. Its time for family and children and growth…or at least i hope it is.

So i will hibernate in my little house for now, until the world stops being so daunting and depressing thoughts stop knocking on my door.

I will hibernate in my little house and learn to commune with myself without the need for another until such a time as the Lord deems fit to grant me the things that i believe it is time for me to have.

And that’s the funk i am in.