Month: August 2011

If it rains hailstorms and my face is scarred by ice,
please do not rescue me, you are not welcome.
if i need a transfusion and you have bounty in blood,
leave me be, keep your red puke
If yours is the only seed that can impregnate,
keep it, keep your nasty little demons
and if by chance you think you feel love for me
Shove it up your ass and squeeze.

Am sorry that I wasn’t worth the effort. Am sorry that my requests for courtesy seemed like impossibility and that our cute unborn babies will remain as such. Am sorry for choosing you even when I had a good and extremely worthy man by my side. Am sorry for loving you at a time when you were ready to stop loving me.
Am sorry am not the woman who endlessly cooks and cleans and serves even when the scale is so obviously tipped. Am sorry that I could not shut up about my unhappiness and your inadequacies. Am sorry for my inadequacy. Am sorry that you don’t love me despite them.
Am sorry that you do not have the energy for us that you so obviously have for your work and education. Am sorry that I was never a big enough priority and for acting out and leaving, for not choosing to stay miserable. Am sorry that I still had hope even after leaving.
Am sorry that it took you over a year to figure out that I couldn’t make you happy while it took me the same time to finally really want to be with you. Am sorry to have found myself in such a precarious position.
Am sorry for my shred heart and for my formerly uncried tears. Am sorry for my counted eggs,for my unborn children who have to wait another year, another time.
Am sorry I do not have the will to love another at the moment and even sorrier that I have to start all over again. Am sorry I was not perfect, that I left, but most of all, am sorry you couldn’t have loved me anyway.

I feel crushed, like a chunk of my heart just got smashed in and instead of hemorrhaging blood its sadness.Sudden attacks of sadness overwhelm me at times spoiling otherwise happy and carefree moments. These moments are as unpredictable as they are unwelcome as they often leave me feeling empty inside and will-less, if such a word exists.
They remind me of a time written of in novels when a person comes to a crossroad in their life and they have to choose a path even if each path ahead is uncertain and often times perilous. They bring me to the realisation that not all dreams get answered and that adults have to often times face up to this harsh reality in life and choose to either have new dreams or get depressed.

Ever feel like you are running around in circles only to arrive at the same miserable point?
And yet, there is always hope, as long as we live and breathe, there is always hope and there are always people who have it worse aren’t there? It makes little sense to to cry over the past even if it hurts. I think the best thing to do is to remember the serenity prayer.
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.
My quest is serenity.

Am drawn to intelligence, like a mosquito to light
It whispers to me and caresses me and enthralls
it reaches the core of me and permeates
not just anywhere, but where it matters
 
Confidence toys with me, as sure as the sun sets
it beckons me, it grips me and intrigues
it mesmerizes and alludes to a lot better
not just in one thing, but in many more
 
I’m nurtured by conversation,like the soil yearns for rain
it fills me up, feeds me and keeps me glued
makes me laugh, makes me cry
not just once, but all the time
 
Flirting teases me, like a cheater eyeing a baby gazelle
it waters my eyes, parts my lips and heaves my chest
it promises fulfillment of extreme ecstasy
not mildly, but explosively
 
Passion ignites me, like a giant roar
Wets my palette, piques desire and sparks life
its keeps me coming, coming back
not sometimes but most times

I have a craving,
I haven’t had one of this kind of cravings
not since I was younger, much much younger
its petulant and childish and shy but hungry.
I giggle and laugh airily then close my eyes and take a deep laboured breath, I remember
And I crave..
My heart beats faster, my eyes moisten and my voice becomes hollow, light and hoarse.
Am plotting, a place, a time, a next time,
My shy smile returns
Am rationalising, of do’s and don’ts and of desires and wants
Am fantasizing of sighs and sounds and acts and warmth and skin
And lips and limbs and thrusts and vigour and panting and I crave
My heart beats faster, my breath is burdening,
Am plotting, a place, a time, the next time,
Am brazen now
Am rationalising of place and time of age and living, I remember
Am older, much much older
Am bold and strong, willful and certain
I smile, a sly side smile and lick my lips and focus
I have a craving, but not for long.