Tag: looking for a man

Why did i get married?

Someone asked me this question a the start of the year and it really boggled me. It is a simple but yet loaded question. I have rehearsed my responses of how my journey started and how i knew my husband was the one but i had never really asked myself why i got married.

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The reality in  my marriage is that my unspoken and spoken but not dealt with expectations, had created a level of discomfort that was causing the cynic in me to doubt the durability of the marriage. Yet when i really reflected, these things were not new, i knew them before we got married and i went ahead and did it anyway. So why did i get married?

So basically after 6 months, i was objectively able to respond to why i got married and it goes as follows

  1. It was what was expected of me
  2. I had a partner that i felt i could spend my life with
  3. I wanted a family of my own
  4. I was content/at peace with my partner
  5. I wanted financial partnership and future business prospects and i could get that with him
  6. I was looking for a positive influence to get me closer to God and Church
  7. I felt i was not complete or fulfilled on my own
  8. I wanted someone to have sex with without guilt
  9. I wanted someone who would love me and be with me no matter what
  10. I wanted passion and romance

As you can see, my reasons were all deeply selfish and mostly unrealistic as they do not necessarily take into account what he wants.

In essence, beyond my desires, the true question to ask is “What value can i add to my husband?”, What value do you add to your spouse?  I tackle this question so as to be a better partner. I am grateful of the knowledge that i am with the person meant for me. And as i strive to transform my mindset to accommodate this newfound clarity, the question then becomes; How do i stay married?

To this end, my fellow coaches and i have come up with an introductory coaching session for people in serious relationships or in marriage who want to build strong and lasting relationships. Sign up below to experience this on 21st July 2018 from 9.00 am to 1pm at Destiny Life Coaching, Savelberg Retreat Centre in Kilimani. (http://www.dlc.co.ke/activate-your-love/ ) .

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The theory of basics when choosing a partner

Six years ago, i discovered that i had not fully understood myself and what i needed from a man and as a result of that, i ended up dating the wrong guys for me. They were nice guys but not all nice guys are good for you and this had landed me in break-ups and this cycle was just too traumatic for my heart to go through again.

I had just finished dating this cute, taller than me, brown guy and we had argued quite a bit over things i couldn’t quite understand like rumours he had heard about me. We also had a hard time connecting on conversation topics which would often lead to one of us rambling on about things the other person had no interest in. He also had a very strict uncompromising moral stand “the kind of guy that needs to date a virgin”  and my view on such matters has always been to look at the other persons perspective. 

My problem was that i had not identified the standards that a man must meet before i can date him. I had always dated the guy i was ‘feeling’ at the time without laying too much thought into it, only to realise later that me and him could not work long term. For other ladies, the reverse is true, they have a long list of expectations that a man must meet before they can date him. Both these scenarios are flawed as you must have standards as a person and also the standards must be realistic since no one is perfect. As a result, i came up with my theory on basics.

My theory goes  like this, as a person, there are qualities that your partner must have for the two of you to be able to connect peacefully long term. These things are different per person but are deal breakers if absent. However, people are prone to selfishness or low esteem and therefore there must be a minimum of 3 and maximum of 5 basics that you look for in a dating partner. Too many and the unrealistic expectations set in, too few and you could get a wrong match for you.

The idea is to search yourself and get to know yourself a little better so you can know what you need/must have from a partner. What are the 3-5 most important things that you want in a partner? They will form the basis of your criteria when you are dating. For instance, at the time, my basics were Honesty, God Fearing, Values his family, is Ambitious and self-assured. I should have added that spells properly! These five basics form the criteria of selecting a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. I will not go as far as to say whether or not the 3-5 basics should be based on material possessions, that is for you to decide since all of us are different and the things that make us happy are also different.

Why these 5 basics

  • Honesty- i am a very honest/blunt individual and i like the truth-good or bad and most importantly, i can handle the truth.
  • God Fearing – at the time, my spiritual life was faltering and i needed someone who could uplift me
  • Values his family- If  i were to be his family, it tells me how he would treat me. I also have a strong sense of family and my family are my best friends
  • Ambitious- i am a highly ambitious individual and i need someone that can push me to be all that i can be. Someone who i can also support to achieve his own goals in life and who wont try to hold me back.
  • Self assured- this is a confident person who knows where he is headed and what he wants out of his life. He will not be threatened by my success.

Don’t get me wrong, i did thereafter date outside of this scope but the good thing was that i could clearly identify whether this was a short term thing or something that could go further and therefore not over-commit my heart and my time. It was also a lot easier to cut such dating and much easier to get over them since my heart was not fully there.

Do you know what your basics are? Try the theory and see if it works for you.

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Proverbs 18: 24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.