Author: Meg

I met a man with a scar so broad it bled
bled with pain of past and fear of tomorrow
that scar bled like the breath of a battered man,
clubbed to death by violence and while it bled,
i soiled the gauzes in my heart, special gauzes
frantically trying to stop the bleeding, that scar!
it taunted me, my dabbing was never enough
i ripped out my heart to bandage that scar
but the blood seeped through, it could not stop,
my ripe heart insufficient, me innefficient
i watched it bleed and begin to sneer curling up
mocking, laughing, malicious and taunting
streams of blood began to leak, i cried
i started mopping, my life now a red river
i mopped and cried and mopped and cried
soon i was still, gave up, stood up and left

Is it a curse or for all my intelligence, am i just emotionally daft?
Recently i seem drawn to emotionally unavailable men. tsk!! am embarrassed to even admit it. Its like am constantly heading to a future that i know will hurt me but i still do it anyway. Being intelligent doesn’t mean that i make intelligent decisions.
On the one hand, i have my folks picking their brains on what they did wrong about my single status and on the other, there is me, happily single, dreading the courting period and being drawn to unavailable men. tsk tsk!!
The job is however at an all time high, so busy and full of energy. I feel alive in that area. Projects underway and so much to accomplish. Ofcourse, i could always use more money!! (sigh)
What i really need help with is my studies, how am i supposed to do a paper if i am unable to focus for even an hour and study or do something constructive. I think exam based papers were easier to handle than this. I need to start reading newspapers and maybe its time i started watching TV, time to catch up with current affairs.
So much going on…still me…

Am sorry, but i lied to you. When you asked me why i would not see you, i said it was a bad time, i had not yet healed, i’d be on my period, I have taken a vow of abstinence, i’m needy, i’m hung up on my ex, you’re addictive and many other reasons that popped in my head. All because I did not want to hurt your ego by admitting what I know.

I know to you, there is nothing special about me. Like any other lady with curves and looks, we are interchangeable. I am a toy that you wish to play with for a time and put aside when you get bored, want a new toy, or when you see a newer version. There is a longing in you to fulfill a never ending lustful desire and the longing is not person specific. It consumes you and is constantly by your side, nagging at you despite what you have to lose and despite the self respect it costs you. I know this.

Like a toy, you expect me to be compliant to your desires and always aim to please. Toys have no demands, they have no expectations and certainly have no hopes or dreams. They also have no minds and therefore everyday is as blissful as the next. They don’t see that you are a dead end. They do not see that you already chose your principal toy but were too greedy to be satisfied by it. They don’t see that now, they are only vying for second place and that they will never be enough.

You see, I know I am a woman of value, a woman of substance. I have a conscience and I have my own desires and expectations. I know what I want in life and it is not to be anyones second choice. I am not anyones play-thing and though I like to play, its fun to do so with the one I love. Thats not to say that I don’t mess up sometimes. Occasionally, I have deluded myself into thinking that I could have less, but that has only hurt me. In the end, I have always come back to me. I cannot shake off who I am.

Am not sorry if this means that I don’t qualify. You’re supposed to be out of the market anyway. You’re supposed to be treasuring what you have, protecting the family we all long to have, instead of trying to block us from meeting our future mates. You’re supposed to make sure your kids are never scarred by your actions because in case you never knew, kids always know and it changes something inside them. They grow and they connect the dots. I know, am one of the ones who grew up.  Am sorry I don’t want to get caught up in your greed because honestly speaking, I can do better, and I deserve better. I have not spent my life learning values and learning to love only to get wasted by the likes of you.

A toy, me? I don’t think so!

I miss him, and not in a casual friendly way, i mean i really miss him. There’s a space where he used to be and no amount of movies or studying can fill it. Its not a conscious continuous state of feeling. It fleets in and out on numerous occasions. I had often taken for granted the kind of impact a person can leave in your life. Its silly really in a cliché sort of way “you don’t miss your water till the well runs dry”.

I miss him when am cooking, he used to inspire it.

I miss him when i can’t sleep, his arms used to sedate me.

I miss him when I’m watching a good movie, he had a good appreciation for them.

I miss him when I have an IT problem, he would usually have a solution.

I miss him when I think of taking a holiday, he still fits in that picture.

I miss him when am feeling randy, he was obliging.

I miss him when am scared, he had that steady inner strength

I even miss the roasted chicken we used to have, smiling at me as we ate

I miss the simplicity of him and the lack of pretense

I even miss his brilliance at work.

Time has a way of bringing perspective into someones life. A sort of balance when you look back such that you are not transfixed to a single feeling. An acceptance of what is and what has been. A clear picture of all your stupid mistakes and all the clever choices. Everything comes together in one mesh of memories but the future always remains uncertain.

Last year, I dated, I totally ignored my instincts. He was younger, insecure, and we moved way too fast. I had been obsessed with the fact that life has no formula and was willing to try anything. Boy was I wrong.
The brother was fine though, tall and lean with a model like stance. Something about him just made me heat up and my mind would go to mash.

You see, men and women are wired very differently and even guys my own age tend to feel younger because they prioritise differently. Imagine my leap to one a few years younger! It wasn’t all bad though. The attention did make me feel queen like and I almost felt adored. You don’t really get that with older men. The constant need for reassurance and the insecurity were tedious though. I’m used to having my own mind and decisions and getting the 3rd degree over a missed call is not in my day plan. The absolute worst was trying to decipher those bloody texts! For the life of me, I’ll never figure out why he couldn’t just write proper. I admit that I can get prissy when it comes to spelling. Isn’t it proportional to intelligence?

Anyway, all good things come to an end and my common sense was soon restored. At least that’s what I thought. That was before the drama erupted. For those of you who haven’t heard, am apparently a liar and schemer! Tsk. Oh how tedious.

So now I’ve kinda lost interest and am focusing on other things.  Let life bring what it shall and come what may, younger is over and done with. I’ll just plead temporary insanity on this particular case, afterall, the brother was hot!

I imagine your stubble on my face
Stubble and smile, handsome
My head on your arm and i’d sleep
Smooching your cheek playfully
Lying with you on that black sofa
Being in your arms was like forever
You were simple, easy to please
I feel your kiss as i smell you vividly
Am going crazy, I miss you.

When i think of you now all i feel is love, some time has passed and we have both got hurt but the anger is gone and so is the resentment. There is only love. I see a man who made me wish for a future. In retrospect, it must have been the 1 time in my life that i not only thought of the future, but accepted it and hoped for it. The one time that “till death do us part” was real.

I know this would be strange cos am always a serious thinker and i always tend to project but half the time when i project into the future, it doesn’t come with acceptance. It doesn’t come with cute baby faces and with laughter or with hugs as it did with you. I have always been gifted with the ability to see the “not so pleasurable ” side of being with someone and it always made me scared and i would run.That is not to say that i did not see the negative, i did, it just was not significant.

I suppose such is growth. The ability to be clouded by emotions but still be rational. These are all but memories passing through on their way to the exit sign at the back gate of my heart. I know a time will come when all this will seem very far away and almost like it never happened. I know a time is coming when days will go by without a single thought of you. I await it with trepidation for the loss it will symbolize but with the knowledge that it will also mean victory for a difficult time overcome.

Insecurity has got to be one of the most annoying and irritating traits that people can have. When you have insecure friends or insecure spouses, you better be prepared to live a life full of petty issues and second guessing your actions. That’s because they psychologically believe that people are out to hurt them and therefore they keep looking for such signs in everything you do. Or maybe they just don’t feel worthy of what they have or maybe they just want it all. Whatever the reason, if you know such a person, then you need to brace yourself.

If you come home late….you’re cheating
If you don’t hear your phone ring….you’re ignoring them or cheating
Dare you cancel a date/ get together
Dare you have a misunderstanding…everything is misconstrued
Forget their birthday …you’re not a real friend
Communicating on text is a no no! things mean different to them
If you’re quiet for a day…the relationship is on the rocks
If you’re both quiet on each other…you’re obviously to blame
If someone is mad, you’re expected to read their mind to know what happened and dare you not know

Such relationships or friendships will always strain you because you always have to put into perspective how such a person would react or, you would always be explaining the little things you do. You have to account for 24 hours of your day everyday (Not that you will be believed). Essentially, you will be treated like a child and expect to treat that person like a child.
You will also be the one to always make the reconciliatory move and to always apologise. Its exhausting and if you’re a free spirit, you will always find yourself breaking loose.

Do you know such people?

You were always too young, i always knew and fought it
In those emotional, heart pumping moments, i didn’t care
I wanted to feel and live and flow just as you suggested
I wanted to live as one who knew no formula to tomorrow
And we did, albeit briefly,we were free with everything.
But life is often cruel in the way it dashes happiness
soon we faced the usual problem of thinking way too much.
We let logic, advice and rationalization dictate our lives
We let our passion die, we let go of those fiery nights.
I hear the echoes of foregone moments in darkness weeping
Weeping for they shall never be borne,weeping in loss.
Touches we could have had, hungry, hands raised in agony
and those kisses, so many forfeited, dying as hope wails
I was always older, you knew it and couldn’t give a care
but advice, logic and rationalization guided our thoughts.
We still are too young and much older, we still are alone.