Author: Meg

Am I still this person?

Little traces of myself lost over the years as I throw myself wholly into mothering and wifing

You are so beautiful! STOP!I awake, years later, still passionate, still longing, ready.

Devour me wholeheartedly, passionately, willingly and unprovoked.

Feed on the warmth of my love.

Lets dance the night away, and laugh and kiss. Let’s Feel!

Yes, I am still this person. I just have more layers on.

Until recently, the genealogy of Jesus was a blur of names across generations to me. It had no real meaning. I however have been broadening my mindset by taking some courses and it got me thinking.

Jacob, who stole his brothers blessing. He was not the first born despite our obsession with having the first born male heir lead the family. Sometimes he just isn’t the best fit.

Did you know that Tamar, the daughter in law and later wife of Judah is one of the ancestors? Yes, the Tamar that pretended to be a prostitute and trapped Judah since he would not allow her to get married to his last son. As in the Lion of Judah- That Judah who had a whole Tribe of Israel named after him.

Did you know that Ruth also features? The one who slept by Boaz feet. I often wonder how Boaz other wives or wife reacted to this addition to the household. Did i mention that Boaz mother Rahab was a prostitute?

Let’s not forget David who killed Uriah and took his wife Bathsheba. Who was Solomon’s mum. Make a note here that Solomon was also not the first born. Can you comprehend the magnitude of David’s sin in our eyes? David was still anointed nonetheless and we have Psalms, Songs of Solomon and others writing to prove this.

Then there is Solomon. For the life of me, i cannot fathom why he needed 1000 women. Surely there is at least greed and lust in that equation. That did not prevent him from being the wisest man who ever lived.

Another notable mention is the wicked King Rehoboam who was responsible for the split of the Kingdom of Israel into two.

Then we come down many many generations to Joseph. Now here is where the real quagmire lies. We know the part he played in the conception of Jesus so i wonder why this genealogy is so elaborately detailed.

The thing that stands out for me is how flawed these people were despite the great anointing that they had received. In todays time, we are very quick to crucify people especially those in leadership or those leading churches. We have fallen into the trap of following people instead of following the word. So when these people sin as do we all, we lose our faith. Yet, the bible is filled with examples of numerous flawed human beings like us who were great not because of their own actions, but because he chose them and elevated them.

Righteousness is a bit of a moving target. We strive for it daily but none of us can ever say that we have achieved that goal for we are prone to sin. Why then do we set such unrealistic expectations for each other? Why are we so intolerant of each others sin?

God chose those people to be remembered for all time by their association to our saviour, and he chose the specific actions that they would be remembered by. Why do we condemn each other over 1 flaw when it may not take away the fact that despite their sin, they are still anointed? Why do we set for ourselves unattainable standards of perfection yet it is clear that such is not expected of us?

The word repentance comes to mind. A story for another day.

I was scheduled to see my doctor on 18th of November 2016 for my 28 week check-up that was really 29 weeks at the time. She was however unavailable and my appointment had been pushed to Friday 25th of November. When i went, i waited for hours and hours and kept struggling to breathe. My weight was 77kg, in April before i got pregnant, my weight had been 76kg. My husband stood me up for that appointment, it was the one appointment that he had committed to come for and even though i informed him that i had arrived and was waiting for the doctor around 1pm, he did not show. When i finally saw the doctor at 4pm, she was shocked that my blood pressure was elevated and sent me to get re-tested. We had also done some Urine tests and that had proved to be okay. She checked on the baby and wrote me a prescription for blood pressure medicine.

On Monday the next week, i travelled to Nakuru for a meeting with my colleagues, i drove back at night but even so, i kept feeling a bit dizzy and breathless. I knew something was up so the next day, i went to see my doctor.She had me do a urine test which confirmed that i had protein in my urine, an Indicator of Pre-eclampsia. She then proceeded to write out a list of symptoms that i was to monitor and call if any of them happened, things like – headache that wont stop and pain in my side. I went to work on Thursday and Friday. We had training on both days- i like training events. That Friday evening, as i was going to bed, i got a pain in my side.  Incidentally, that week from Thursday, my husband travelled to Dubai and was returning on Sunday. Basically, i was home alone. I picked up my phone and called my doctor and she asked me to go to hospital to maternity and tell them that she had sent me. I faithfully obeyed and proceeded to Aga Khan Hospital where i was checked into maternity ward in labour room 3 where i was being monitored my blood pressure (167/118ish) and foetal movements.

The song kept playing in my head by Andrew Peterson “Holy is the Lord”. It tells the story of how Abraham must have called Isaac to lead him to slaughter, what he must have said and how he resolved to obey and offer up his son – The son that God had given him. How painful this was to him and yet he did it anyway. I knew my baby was my miracle and i knew just as God had come through for Abraham and his miracle, he would do the same for my miracle and i chose to obey.

Dr. Ozele came by and gave me Magnesium Sulphate which he said was to prevent seizures and steroids to expand the babys’ lungs. The Magnesium Sulphate kept sending heat waves from my head to my toes over and over until my body could not take it and i puked next to his feet. There was a nurse called Grace who took good care of me all night. In the morning, we went for an ultrasound where a young Asian looking doctor looked quite concerned as he did it. It had been a very disturbed night as there was a lot of monitoring that had gone on and i kept drifting to sleep. The doctors assured me that if my blood pressure went down and stabilized, i would be discharged on Monday. I therefore settled myself to the business at hand which was basically to eat and sleep. The song kept playing

By Sunday, my BP had significantly gone down. I was quite excited to be discharged the next day. One or two of my sisters had come by and my husband landed that night. He had been watching Rugby 7’s. He spent the night exhausted by my side and though i tried to offer him  a spot on my bed, the nurses refused. Anyway, he left in the morning to freshen up and take care of the lady that was coming to cook for us that day. Almost as soon as he left, a flood of doctors came by led by Doctor Wanyonyi. He was a consulting doctor and apparently a teaching one as well. At this time, i had been expecting to be discharged. Instead this is what i got, i will not paraphrase as nothing beats the original “Your baby is very very sick, we have to take him out today”. I was shocked. I went numb. He said that he would need to administer another scan and would not charge me for it. He needed to be sure of the findings in the last one that indicated that my baby was 800g.  I called my hubby and told him to come back. I did not tell him why. Dr. Ozele took me for the scan that Dr. Wanyonyi administered and as he did, he took time to teach the other Doctor how to tell if the babys’ brain is functioning okay, if nutrients are flowing through the placenta and the general state of the placenta and baby. The baby was in breach position. I appreciated this commentary even if it wasn’t meant for me.  He found that the babys’ weight was 972g. I was grateful that it was higher. “Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord, the the Lord i will obey….Lord help me i don’t know the way.”

Dr. Ozele then took me back upstairs where i was to await surgery commonly known as Cesarean Section. I called my doctor to get her opinion. She said that Dr. Wanyonyi was a specialist in that area and to believe him. My husband arrived as i was showering, at which point i felt my healthy overgrown bush that i had stopped tending to months back in horror. I always thought i would have time to clean up my act before the baby came.How mortifying! When Dr. Ozele came back i asked him to explain to my husband what was going on. I didn’t have the heart to do it. I didn’t want to break down. I was scared.

Several doctors had come by with forms for me to sign- Anaesthesia etc.   I was wheeled to theatre where my bush was roughly tamed and i was given the spinal anaesthesia which allowed me to be fully alert. I could hear them talking endlessly. The anaesthetist at my head also kept engaging me. The theatre was full of men “Mficha uchi hazai”. Dr. Wanyonyi was still teaching. I admired his dedication to this. My baby came out and they wrapped him and made him cry a faint cry. They brought him for me to see. I processed nothing. They took me to the recovery room where a man who knew my extended family took care of me for about an hour. My teeth were chattering though i wasn’t cold. When i was okay, he took me to my ward. Common sense had already kicked in and i had opted to go to the general ward rather than a private room so as to save on expenses. While there, i sent the doctors to get my hubby but they didn’t. I finally reached him when i borrowed my neighbours’ phone and called. This is why it is important to cram some numbers. That evening, i was able to walk to the loo -supported. My husband went down and saw the baby. His demeanor was calm and composed as he had been all through.

The next day, a doctor came to see me, a Neo-natologist. She came to explain that the baby was at the Neo-Natal ICU. I asked how long it would take before he could come home. She said 2-3 weeks. She encouraged me to try and get breast milk. Visitors came to see me. I remember snapping at a family member asking me questions about the baby. I had not seen the baby yet. My friend sent me a breast pump and bottles that she ordered on our behalf while my colleague brought me sterilising fluid and a jar to keep the bottles. I finally went to see the baby. I dragged myself and walked to the corridor and took the lift down to see my baby and when i saw him, i was again gripped by fear and uncertainty. Would he make it? He looked so small and his head had a weird oblong shape. He was on oxygen and looked very dark with skinny legs. His skin hugging the bone. It was terrifying. I went back up and set about trying to express milk. There were other mums there who tried to encourage me. I didn’t know they would become my friends. I did not want to talk to them. I did not want visitors.  I just wanted to be alone. A few drops came out which the nurse assured me was a good start-5ml is all she needed. She told me when the next feed would be and how much was needed. I was discharged on Thursday and as i left my baby in that hospital,i did not cry, even though it nearly broke me to do it.  That was the beginning of the hardest part

I was watching a clip today about a couple that cooks their meals together and how they have embraced a different way of thinking around such a sphere and it got me thinking to the position women find themselves in this modern day.

It has become quite common for many homes to embrace and plan for both the husband and wifes’ income. Both are considered quite vital for the success of the home and it is common to hear phrases such as “Men want someone who is working” when we are dating. The notion that a man will be the only one to provide financially while the wife stays home and takes care of the home has become a thing of the past. Many women want to have their own sense of independence and accomplishment in business and career.

What does that mean for women though? Unfortunately, while the financial aspect may have evolved, matters in the household usually have not and it isn’t uncommon to find the financial embrace in the marriage coupled with the household separation. By household separation, i mean the belief that home affairs will be taken care of by the woman that is, cooking, cleaning, child rearing and general groceries and shopping. In essence, the modern world has more work for women; the career woman, the wife, the homemaker and the mother. All of which are very important but when done simultaneously, lead to burn out, self neglect or sacrifice of particular aspects.

I wonder what this creates in terms of expectation of life for daughters of these women. What this means for children who may feel a sense of neglect even though both parents were “there” and women who may feel overwhelmed in an unsympathetic world. What does this mean for marriages of women who refuse to carry the burden alone? What does this mean for boys being brought up in this setting? What would it take to de-program mindsets that somehow women are better home-makers just by virtue of their gender? Why would something as essential for survival as eating and hence cooking not be a priority for all people? Will we be surprised when women no longer desire marriage or will an equilibrium be reached before then?

I dared not tell anyone what you did. Instead for the first time, i drank myself silly and cried myself to sleep. My friends and roommates thought that it was the side effect of the alcohol but i dared not tell them what you had taken from me by force. I felt partly responsible, guilty, ashamed and dirty…Maybe by having a crush on you i was partly responsible…Maybe by flirting with you i had invited it, but you knew my stand and that is why you opted for the forceful approach. For 3 years our classmates didn’t know the kind of animal they befriended for i opted to stay silent in my cowardice.

Its hard to believe that you walked into Block E, room 14, locked the door and accosted me right there in my own venue. Then you proceeded to walk out casually like nothing happened. It is difficult to understand what can propel a man to behave in such a manner. Especially a man who could have a way with the ladies without resorting to such. It is not for me to explain your actions.

I know that such behaviour repeats and i carry the weight of remorse for whoever else you may have assaulted afterward for i kept silent and gave you the power to continue. As i take a new path of forgiveness, i relinquish the hold you had on to me and i release you to God. May he heal you and your victims and may he shake you up in a manner that forces you to stop and reconcile the person you are to him.

15 years later and i am still whole, i am still standing, you did not break me.

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”