The cost of silence

I dared not tell anyone what you did. Instead for the first time, i drank myself silly and cried myself to sleep. My friends and roommates thought that it was the side effect of the alcohol but i dared not tell them what you had taken from me by force. I felt partly responsible, guilty, ashamed and dirty…Maybe by having a crush on you i was partly responsible…Maybe by flirting with you i had invited it, but you knew my stand and that is why you opted for the forceful approach. For 3 years our classmates didn’t know the kind of animal they befriended for i opted to stay silent in my cowardice.

Its hard to believe that you walked into Block E, room 14, locked the door and accosted me right there in my own venue. Then you proceeded to walk out casually like nothing happened. It is difficult to understand what can propel a man to behave in such a manner. Especially a man who could have a way with the ladies without resorting to such. It is not for me to explain your actions.

I know that such behaviour repeats and i carry the weight of remorse for whoever else you may have assaulted afterward for i kept silent and gave you the power to continue. As i take a new path of forgiveness, i relinquish the hold you had on to me and i release you to God. May he heal you and your victims and may he shake you up in a manner that forces you to stop and reconcile the person you are to him.

15 years later and i am still whole, i am still standing, you did not break me.

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”

From the Barren life springs

If you have read my blog, then you know that i have lived with polycycstic ovaries which basically refers to little lumps around my ovaries that cause me not to ovulate and also cause hormonal imbalance and irregular menses which basically translates to a high level of infertility.

barren

It is amazing the things about yourself that you can learn to appreciate. You see, i had become accustomed to having periods 2 or 3 times a year and not needing contraception. I had also become a career woman who was forever pushing forward having kids even if the doctor had clearly told me that i would need to take medicine to induce ovulation in order to get pregnant or do other treatments.

In April of 2016, i did a full body check-up courtesy of my company and i mean everything, weight, dental, pap smear(yuck!), mammogram and even a back strain check. Despite the fact that my weight indicated that i was 50 years old, i was otherwise in peak health. I was also not pregnant. This i indicate because my lack of periods would often lead me to taking random pregnancy tests just to be sure.I visited a doctor to also check on the cysts at this time, and was given some medicine that i was to take to induce ovulation so i can get pregnant. My age often led doctors to believe that i was ready to have kids. Later that evening, i spoke to my hubby and we agreed to take the medicine in December- that was the time we would be ready to start trying.

On Sunday one April  our Pastor- Rev Ambrose Nyangao was winding up the service and asked us to tell God the area that we want him to touch and to believe and expect a miracle and visualize the answer. I remember that as i prayed i touched my womb. Find the sermon here The Sermon

Towards the end of May, my otherwise nocturnal self would find herself falling asleep at 8pm on the Sofa and also quite ravenous. It wasn’t until my stomach became queasy that i figured something was up and so i went to the doctor to explain what was ailing me. I explained how it wasn’t possible for me to be pregnant as i had not had menses since January and i also hardly been sexually active. Consequently, we took all tests except the pregnancy tests. He concluded that i had blastocysts and gave me antibiotics to take which my conscience disallowed by day 2 and as i googled blastocysts and read about them, i concluded that the young doctor was a quack. I searched my house for pregnancy tests but it seemed that i had run out.

on June 6th i was travelling to Embu, i stopped at Nyce Chemist to buy a test but alas the lady at the counter gave me disapproving look and told me that they don’t sell. I however bought 4 at a chemist near my hotel as was my custom to stock-up and proceeded to Pee. Shock on me!! The thing got two stripes in 2 seconds, i ripped another test and it too turned two stripes. I now had a mix of shock and excitement. I opened google and searched “False Positive HCG test” to which google responded that these kind of tests hardly ever chose to deceive and that the likelihood was that i was 99% pregnant.  I was startled. I tried in vain to call my husband who had chosen that day to let his phone go off charge and then proceeded to work late. It wasn’t until very late at night 10-11pm that i was able  to tell him the news. In his usual nonchalant way he said “Its no big deal” but to me it was not just a big deal, it was a Miracle. By the time i saw a doctor, they confirmed that i had conceived at the start of May.

Needless to say, in December of that year, my baby was born who although two months early has since proved in every way just what a Miracle he is and how faithful God can be.

Verse page

Psalm 113:9

He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!