Month: June 2014

We were just marvelling at how women are socialised to view virginity as this great gift that they preserve to bestow upon a worthy candidate of their choosing. As women, we often forget that sex is meant for our pleasure as well and therefore we should be selective when mating but the basis of selection should be primarily for ourselves and all other considerations should be secondary. Purity is important but the reason for being pure should be more about you than “saving yourself for someone”.

The thing is, and pardon my bluntness, the breaking of virginity is not a fun task for either of the parties involved. It is oftentimes uncomfortable and disappointing for the lady and i would venture to think that the man also finds it uncomfortable. I have even heard of men who will not date virgins because they have an unrealistic expectation of sex and wear their virginity as a badge of honour. 

The phrase “it is a mans world” is often over-used yet little understood. Why would you save your virginity for someone? Doesn’t it make more sense to save it for yourself and choose the moment to break it when you will be in a position to open yourself to enjoy the experience? Isn’t this what men do? You see, for many of my friends, including myself, virginity is not something we planned to do away with, we just happened to be in a relationship and somehow, one thing led to another and the cherry was popped. Most often, the experience was a let down compared to the many years of “cherishing it” that had been put in place. The preceding sexual experiences also would be disappointing as the effort needed to take a lady to orgasm needs a man who is able to put her pleasure ahead of his own.

I put it to you that this should not be the case.  If you are a virgin, you need to look at every suitor as a potential employer and sex as the potential job. Before you go for an interview, don’t you research the potential employer? Don’t you gauge the ability of the employer to match your career aspirations? Don’t you consider the offer and whether or not it can satisfy your needs? Why then would you bestow your virginity to someone only to end in disappointment?

Consider your mate; How does he kiss? How does he caress? Do you have an emotional connection? How are his foreplay skills? Is he patient with you? Is he able to give you a non-intercourse orgasm? My opinion is that all those answers should be positive. Whatever is negative should be corrected before you get to sex.Then consider yourself; what do you want out of the experience? Are you emotionally ready? Will you regret it? Do you have protection? Are you ready to do the work in pleasing him? Remember that sex is a give and take, you can’t just lay there and receive all the time!

Weigh all those questions and only when you are satisfied that you will have a pleasant stress free experience, should you go ahead with it. Remember that your virginity is for you. It does not make the sexual experience sweeter just because you’re a virgin and he most probably will not appreciate the immensity of the sacrifice you think you have made for him. The pleasure of the experience will be determined by the connection you have and the effort you both put into it.

If you are a virgin considering sex, please consider the potential of your mate to please you first before (like many ladies before you) you put his pleasure ahead of yours.

 

Many times we get into the habit of trying to change the little things we do not like about our partners instead of just accepting them and loving them as they are. If they have a job you don’t find ambitious, you try to push them to do more, to get a masters, to buy you flowers on your anniversary or birthday, to come home early instead of hanging with the boys or working too hard, to let you watch your soap instead of football, to clear dishes after they eat. When i really think about it, that kind of behaviour has always led to an argument and a series of unhappiness because no one person can fulfill all the little things that can make you happy and you only succeed in making them feel inadequate.

The thing is, if you are in a relationship starting with respect, with little or no selfishness and with a future in mind, it is imperative that you let go of these little things that are not done to hurt you but merely arise because people are different. The same way you have things about him that you would change, is the same way that there are things about you he could change if he really thought about it, perhaps he would like to eat your chapatis 3 times a week, perhaps he wishes you would go hang out with your friends more often, if you need to see your relatives then why do you need him to go with you? or maybe he resents that you don’t strive to get a better job,why do you drive so slow? maybe he likes you to wear shorter figure hugging dresses. If you open the door to selfishness, then it should swing both ways so that both of you compromise. 

I have been pondering why my relationship is so peaceful. Even as a single person, i was not that peaceful on my own but then it occurred to me that its because he lets me be and i do the same. For instance, i like to sleep in, while he rises at the crack of dawn, he does not transfer his expectations to me and instead just lets me sleep in and makes us both breakfast. I don’t need to eat dinner at night but his metabolism is different and therefore i make sure he gets fed. I rub his temple if he has a headache and he cuddles me endlessly as i require it. We just simply let each other be who they are and in turn, we get loads of peace and no arguments. These are just a few examples.

Overall, i have learnt that you get the best out of a person if you do unto them as you would have them do unto you. If you respect their choices and their individualism and appreciate each others’ differences. As a result of doing this, giving to each other becomes easy, and spending time together becomes desirable. You learn to do away with resentment and truly focus on the good things about each other. If you want him to buy you gifts, get him a few gifts yourself. If you want to watch your soap in peace, give him his sports space. If you want him to pay for everything, do all the chores and don’t complain. Healthy relationships survive on give and take.

This week, purpose to let your spouse or your friends just be. Don’t try to improve them but instead focus on their positives and note just how much more you get in return.

Romans 2:1 You, therefore have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.