Month: May 2014

Last year, 3 women I know had miscarriages. This is a large number of people considering that this covers only colleagues and close friends. They did this in the first trimester and apparently it is quite common for this to happen at that time for no truly explicable reason.

I watched the excitement of knowing that they were about to bring forth a life grow almost as soon as they discovered that they were expectant. Suddenly, life was about “me and my baby”. Where would they live? Would the father be involved? Would it be a boy or girl and even as far as the kind of school they would attend. I watched my friend resolve to raise her child. I saw the pride in her eyes and the anticipation to be a mother. Then suddenly, it was no more. In its place was a hollowness and the question- WHY?

She often wondered if there was anything she could have done differently, something she could have eaten, work stress she could have ignored. My other friend wondered how she would tell the excited would be father as it was hard enough dealing with her own grief. There was nothing I could say or do that could bring any relief to them. I think for a baby lost this way, we never truly appreciate the kind of trauma that the lady goes through, its only when one day she says “my baby would be two years old by now” that you realise just how much pain she has been carrying. 

So today, I will endeavor to borrow education from other sources and shed some light on miscarriages in the 1^st trimester to psychologically prepare myself since I am yet to be pregnant and also so you know in case this should one day happen to you.

Why Do Miscarriages Occur?

The reason for miscarriage is varied, and most often the cause cannot be identified. During the first trimester, the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality – meaning that something is not correct with the baby’s chromosomes. Most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a damaged egg or sperm cell, or are due to a problem at the time that the zygote
 went through the division process. Other causes for miscarriage include (but are not limited to):

• Hormonal problems, infections or maternal health problems
• Lifestyle (i.e. smoking, drug use, malnutrition, excessive caffeine and exposure to radiation or toxic substances)
• Implantation of the egg into the uterine lining does not occur properly
• Maternal age
• Maternal trauma

Factors that are not proven to cause miscarriage are sex, working outside the home (unless in a harmful environment) or moderate exercise.

What Are The Chances Of Having A Miscarriage?

For women in their childbearing years, the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%, and in most healthy women the average is about a 15-20% chance.

• An increase in maternal age affects the chances of miscarriage
• Women under the age of 35 yrs old have about a 15% chance of miscarriage
• Women who are 35-45 yrs old have a 20-35% chance of miscarriage
• Women over the age of 45 can have up to a 50% chance of miscarriage
• A woman who has had a previous miscarriage has a 25% chance of having another (only a slightly elevated risk than for someone who has not had a previous miscarriage)

What Are The Warning Signs Of Miscarriage:

If you experience any or all of these symptoms, it is important to contact your health care provider or a medical facility
to evaluate if you could be having a miscarriage:

• Mild to severe back pain (often worse than normal menstrual cramps)
• Weight loss
• White-pink mucus
• True contractions (very painful happening every 5-20 minutes)
• Brown or bright red bleeding with or without cramps (20-30% of all pregnancies can experience some bleeding in early pregnancy, with about 50% of those resulting in normal pregnancies)
• Tissue with clot like material passing from the vagina
• Sudden decrease in signs of pregnancy

please visit http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html to read the complete article.

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/pregnancy-miscarriage  

 

Do you find yourself dating the same kind of person over and over again?

My very good pal, who i hope wont mind me talking about her life, has been having a nasty string of men.

• They first start by lying about their availability
• Are very quick to talk about marrying her -typically within 2 to 4 weeks of dating and
• Want to meet her family within 3 months
• Very comfortable at her house, spending nights and showing up uninvited
• Also very quick to offer to have children with her often within a month of dating 
• They value her intelligence and claim she is the ideal woman they would hope to spend their lives with
• Do not contribute to household expenses but are willing to do so if prompted

It usually turns out to be that they are married. I think they try to impregnate her before she discovers their marital status so she can have no escape route.  For some odd reason, she forgives the lie since she has already developed feelings and especially since they claim to be unhappy with the marriage.  In order for you to get the full picture, you must see my pal for who she is. She is the ideal wife. The woman who doesn’t mind cooking and cleaning, who will iron your clothes and clean your shoes and pick out your next day outfit. She treats her boyfriend like a king and any man dating her would have a hard time leaving since she loves with her actions. She is an absolute nurturer and on top of that she has a successful career. She is also a fool that needs to know her worth.

I know its harsh to say that but the reality is that our lives are a reflection of the choices we make. She wants a man of her own who will treasure her for who she is and who will be hers alone. Don’t we all? In this case, a change of behaviour needs to come upon her since she is susceptible to these type of people.  There are always signs and we must open our eyes and silence our hearts in order to see them

• If your man is in too great a rush to commit a lifetime and is not taking the time to enjoy the first 3 months of getting to know each other, then you need to investigate why. Is it a wife, girlfriend, family pressure to wed? Either way, this man is not with you for who you are but maybe for what you represent.
• If you’ve never been to his house, that is a red flag most men are comfortable at their house and not yours.
• Have you met his siblings or friends? If not, absolute red flag, its really easy to meet each others friends within 3 months without really trying unless you are hiding something.
• Does he have a baby mama? Extreme red flag because she just might be a wife
• Are you meeting in your house more than actual dating from the beginning? Why aren’t you out in public?
• Are there calls he doesn’t pick when he’s with you? Are there certain times he doesn’t answer your calls and takes a long time to call back e.g overnight?
• Do you only see him when its convenient for him?
• Have you caught him in any lie? Remember the first 3 months are still in the bliss stage of a relationship. Lies should not feature.
• Most importantly, please keep the cookie in the cookie jar. I cannot undervalue Steve Harveys’ advise on the 3 month rule.

To quote “Think Like a man, Act like a lady”, these things happen to her because she allows them to. If you truly value yourself, you will take your time with your heart and you will keep your eyes and your heart closed until the trust is earned.The kind of woman she is should never be exposed to an undeserving person because he will obviously cling to it and try to hold on no matter what. That breed of woman is rare and under the wrong circumstances risks becoming a convenience. The first time it happens is forgiveable since no one sets out to be deceived but the times that make it a cycle are really her responsibility especially since the end result is always the same. Her left with a broken heart. 

Do you know more signs to tell if the man or woman is a possible skunk? Please share…..

 

Proverbs 4.23 Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.

 

 

I was having a conversation with a very dear one today and as we discussed relationships and our friends, he said something that got my mind spinning. His friend, 35 years plus has been dating a guy for two years and she doesn’t know what his plans for her are. I was shocked and then it occurred to me that this scenario is not new to my ears. I have heard this many times before and about ladies who are over 30, have been dating for years, have no clue where the relationship is headed, and fear to ask because they don’t want to seem like they are pushing for marriage. It is totally unacceptable to find yourself in this predicament. Worse still, if you are 30 years and above you truly have no excuse. Why? It’s good you ask.

By the time you are 30, you have probably dated several people or have friends who have dated extensively and you should have learnt from all these collective experiences. You ought to know better than to waste time in ambiguity as there is a chance that your heart could get broken. Whatever reason you are dating, there should be clarity;

• Are you a fling?
• Are you a potential life partner?
• Are you just passing time?
• Are you friends with benefits?
• Are you just trying to get pregnant?

That way, no one can claim to have been duped or used and  you don’t waste your time building castles in the air. Often times, I find myself preferring the guy that is upfront about merely wanting a sexual relationship, at least you have the option to say yes or no with full knowledge and in good time. I read somewhere (Steve Harveys book) that by the time a guy asks you out, he already knows which category you fall into; potential wife or just fun. If you don’t know what he wants with you in two years time then you’re the problem and not him.

I will not commit myself to someone for two years without knowing where his mind is headed. As a matter of fact, I make it a point to ask within a month of dating “What do you want with me?, What are your intentions?” If that doesn’t work, I have a friend or sister that will ask the same question. It’s not really the answer that matters, it’s how sincere the answer seems and whether or not his response is in line with what I want from him. At that point, I can cut things before they go far and I also get an avenue to state my expectations that is, “I am only willing to start something that has the potential of ending in marriage, anything else and am not interested”. Its blunt, but that’s my style and I like it.

Or maybe he told you and you thought it would change? I once read somewhere that “If a man tells you the truth about himself, believe him”. Ladies, if this man tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants, or that he isn’t ready for a long term commitment, or he is just winging it for now, maybe he got hurt and is not sure if he wants to commit himself again, whatever he says, please believe him no matter how distasteful it sounds. What you really need to ask yourself is whether what he has said to you, is in line with what you want from him. Do you know what you want from him?

If what you want from him changes along the way, please let him know as he is not a mind reader. Whatever the case, please have regular clarity on why you are together.  It’s hard enough keeping a relationship going, I can’t imagine doing it without knowing where it’s headed.  Would you board a bus without knowing where it is going? Then why would you play this game with your heart?

 

If you know of such a case, please share what happened so we can learn from each other.

 

Phillipians 4: 12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

A long long time ago, a close family friend asked me if we could start going out. I was skeptical because i had never really thought of us in a romantic way but i agreed to it. We started hanging out at his office and basically at home. Nothing serious though.

About a week later, i was in kind of a bind because as part of the caravan sales i was working on, i had gotten late to return to Nairobi from Tala and i found myself at 11pm in Nairobi Town, those days i lived in Wanyee and it was not safe to walk around at such an hour. Also, my earnings were meagre and i could not afford a taxi home. I called my brother so we could go home together and luckily, he was in town at Club Soundd. I went to meet him. Incidentally, he was with the aforesaid pal, he with his date and Pal with his x-girlfriend. I was too tired to fuss about anything and just waited for them until they were ready to leave.

Shock of all shock, all five of us ended up at our house and the four of them holed up in my brothers room. Needless to say, the romance that had been starting up was OVER!

The next day, as i mused over the situation it occured to me that THE ONE HE CHOOSES TO PROTECT is really the important one. That night, my Pal had no regard for my feelings and had not shown his x that he was trying to date me, he had instead chosen to carry on with her. This lesson served me very well for many years even with my friends and their relationships.

Here is how to apply it.

• Are you dating someone who has an Ex that is very a very close friend to him? or
• Does your boyfriend have a current girlfriend that he has promised to dump? or
• Does he have a wife whom he claims is no good and that he isn’t happy with her?

If you know all about her and she knows nothing about you, then he is protecting her and therefore she is the important one and not you. He doesn’t mind hurting your feelings by talking to you about her but cannot bear to hurt her by telling her about you. She is the one he cannot loose. So now you know.

Psalms 2:20 Save me, Lord, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.

 

Today is one of those days that I really hate my job. I spend so much time filling the same templates and looking at the same information from different angles. Its still the same information!
In the end, I feel like am doing so much and achieving nothing. My desire to return tomorrow to fill templates is extremely minimal.
I am a girl of action, I like to see things happening, ideally, to see the work of my hands.
Powerpoint templates that say the same thing should not be done 10 times in 3 months. We are always planning. At what point do we start to action?
Sigh…just had to get it out. Back to my templates.

Later…