Month: April 2012

I look at this thing that beats in me in disbelief
the betrayal caused cannot beget forgiveness
treacherous instrument that gives unrestrained
to he, he that has proved unattainable in time
he that has proved unpredictable,uncontrollable

Treacherous unforgiveable little nightmare here
What shall become of me now?What future now?
to be roped to one so fulfilled, he with seeds
to be roped to one so tried, he with the hurts
to be roped to one so reluctant, he with caution

This thing that beats in me defies minds reason
Tis mere advice the brain cells conclude, ignored.
This thing that beats always, calls for him only
This thing wants his touch, kisses and even love
This thing even secretly, stupidly wants his child

Woooooi, aagh! what shall become of me now?
for this betrayal is too heavy with sentimentality,
I fear i posses no willpower strong enough to alter
This beast shan’t be overcome by my mere might
Beating merrily, i stare at it in disbelief dismayed.

I met a man with a scar so broad it bled
bled with pain of past and fear of tomorrow
that scar bled like the breath of a battered man,
clubbed to death by violence and while it bled,
i soiled the gauzes in my heart, special gauzes
frantically trying to stop the bleeding, that scar!
it taunted me, my dabbing was never enough
i ripped out my heart to bandage that scar
but the blood seeped through, it could not stop,
my ripe heart insufficient, me innefficient
i watched it bleed and begin to sneer curling up
mocking, laughing, malicious and taunting
streams of blood began to leak, i cried
i started mopping, my life now a red river
i mopped and cried and mopped and cried
soon i was still, gave up, stood up and left

Is it a curse or for all my intelligence, am i just emotionally daft?
Recently i seem drawn to emotionally unavailable men. tsk!! am embarrassed to even admit it. Its like am constantly heading to a future that i know will hurt me but i still do it anyway. Being intelligent doesn’t mean that i make intelligent decisions.
On the one hand, i have my folks picking their brains on what they did wrong about my single status and on the other, there is me, happily single, dreading the courting period and being drawn to unavailable men. tsk tsk!!
The job is however at an all time high, so busy and full of energy. I feel alive in that area. Projects underway and so much to accomplish. Ofcourse, i could always use more money!! (sigh)
What i really need help with is my studies, how am i supposed to do a paper if i am unable to focus for even an hour and study or do something constructive. I think exam based papers were easier to handle than this. I need to start reading newspapers and maybe its time i started watching TV, time to catch up with current affairs.
So much going on…still me…