Month: February 2012

Am sorry, but i lied to you. When you asked me why i would not see you, i said it was a bad time, i had not yet healed, i’d be on my period, I have taken a vow of abstinence, i’m needy, i’m hung up on my ex, you’re addictive and many other reasons that popped in my head. All because I did not want to hurt your ego by admitting what I know.

I know to you, there is nothing special about me. Like any other lady with curves and looks, we are interchangeable. I am a toy that you wish to play with for a time and put aside when you get bored, want a new toy, or when you see a newer version. There is a longing in you to fulfill a never ending lustful desire and the longing is not person specific. It consumes you and is constantly by your side, nagging at you despite what you have to lose and despite the self respect it costs you. I know this.

Like a toy, you expect me to be compliant to your desires and always aim to please. Toys have no demands, they have no expectations and certainly have no hopes or dreams. They also have no minds and therefore everyday is as blissful as the next. They don’t see that you are a dead end. They do not see that you already chose your principal toy but were too greedy to be satisfied by it. They don’t see that now, they are only vying for second place and that they will never be enough.

You see, I know I am a woman of value, a woman of substance. I have a conscience and I have my own desires and expectations. I know what I want in life and it is not to be anyones second choice. I am not anyones play-thing and though I like to play, its fun to do so with the one I love. Thats not to say that I don’t mess up sometimes. Occasionally, I have deluded myself into thinking that I could have less, but that has only hurt me. In the end, I have always come back to me. I cannot shake off who I am.

Am not sorry if this means that I don’t qualify. You’re supposed to be out of the market anyway. You’re supposed to be treasuring what you have, protecting the family we all long to have, instead of trying to block us from meeting our future mates. You’re supposed to make sure your kids are never scarred by your actions because in case you never knew, kids always know and it changes something inside them. They grow and they connect the dots. I know, am one of the ones who grew up.  Am sorry I don’t want to get caught up in your greed because honestly speaking, I can do better, and I deserve better. I have not spent my life learning values and learning to love only to get wasted by the likes of you.

A toy, me? I don’t think so!

 

I miss him, and not in a casual friendly way, i mean i really miss him. There’s a space where he used to be and no amount of movies or studying can fill it. Its not a conscious continuous state of feeling. It fleets in and out on numerous occasions. I had often taken for granted the kind of impact a person can leave in your life. Its silly really in a cliché sort of way “you don’t miss your water till the well runs dry”.

I miss him when am cooking, he used to inspire it.

I miss him when i can’t sleep, his arms used to sedate me.

I miss him when I’m watching a good movie, he had a good appreciation for them.

I miss him when I have an IT problem, he would usually have a solution.

I miss him when I think of taking a holiday, he still fits in that picture.

I miss him when am feeling randy, he was obliging.

I miss him when am scared, he had that steady inner strength

I even miss the roasted chicken we used to have, smiling at me as we ate

I miss the simplicity of him and the lack of pretense

I even miss his brilliance at work.

Time has a way of bringing perspective into someones life. A sort of balance when you look back such that you are not transfixed to a single feeling. An acceptance of what is and what has been. A clear picture of all your stupid mistakes and all the clever choices. Everything comes together in one mesh of memories but the future always remains uncertain.