Month: January 2012

Last year, I dated, I totally ignored my instincts. He was younger, insecure, and we moved way too fast. I had been obsessed with the fact that life has no formula and was willing to try anything. Boy was I wrong.
The brother was fine though, tall and lean with a model like stance. Something about him just made me heat up and my mind would go to mash.

You see, men and women are wired very differently and even guys my own age tend to feel younger because they prioritise differently. Imagine my leap to one a few years younger! It wasn’t all bad though. The attention did make me feel queen like and I almost felt adored. You don’t really get that with older men. The constant need for reassurance and the insecurity were tedious though. I’m used to having my own mind and decisions and getting the 3rd degree over a missed call is not in my day plan. The absolute worst was trying to decipher those bloody texts! For the life of me, I’ll never figure out why he couldn’t just write proper. I admit that I can get prissy when it comes to spelling. Isn’t it proportional to intelligence?

Anyway, all good things come to an end and my common sense was soon restored. At least that’s what I thought. That was before the drama erupted. For those of you who haven’t heard, am apparently a liar and schemer! Tsk. Oh how tedious.

So now I’ve kinda lost interest and am focusing on other things.  Let life bring what it shall and come what may, younger is over and done with. I’ll just plead temporary insanity on this particular case, afterall, the brother was hot!

I imagine your stubble on my face
Stubble and smile, handsome
My head on your arm and i’d sleep
Smooching your cheek playfully
Lying with you on that black sofa
Being in your arms was like forever
You were simple, easy to please
I feel your kiss as i smell you vividly
Am going crazy, I miss you.

When i think of you now all i feel is love, some time has passed and we have both got hurt but the anger is gone and so is the resentment. There is only love. I see a man who made me wish for a future. In retrospect, it must have been the 1 time in my life that i not only thought of the future, but accepted it and hoped for it. The one time that “till death do us part” was real.

I know this would be strange cos am always a serious thinker and i always tend to project but half the time when i project into the future, it doesn’t come with acceptance. It doesn’t come with cute baby faces and with laughter or with hugs as it did with you. I have always been gifted with the ability to see the “not so pleasurable ” side of being with someone and it always made me scared and i would run.That is not to say that i did not see the negative, i did, it just was not significant.

I suppose such is growth. The ability to be clouded by emotions but still be rational. These are all but memories passing through on their way to the exit sign at the back gate of my heart. I know a time will come when all this will seem very far away and almost like it never happened. I know a time is coming when days will go by without a single thought of you. I await it with trepidation for the loss it will symbolize but with the knowledge that it will also mean victory for a difficult time overcome.

Insecurity has got to be one of the most annoying and irritating traits that people can have. When you have insecure friends or insecure spouses, you better be prepared to live a life full of petty issues and second guessing your actions. That’s because they psychologically believe that people are out to hurt them and therefore they keep looking for such signs in everything you do. Or maybe they just don’t feel worthy of what they have or maybe they just want it all. Whatever the reason, if you know such a person, then you need to brace yourself.

If you come home late….you’re cheating
If you don’t hear your phone ring….you’re ignoring them or cheating
Dare you cancel a date/ get together
Dare you have a misunderstanding…everything is misconstrued
Forget their birthday …you’re not a real friend
Communicating on text is a no no! things mean different to them
If you’re quiet for a day…the relationship is on the rocks
If you’re both quiet on each other…you’re obviously to blame
If someone is mad, you’re expected to read their mind to know what happened and dare you not know

Such relationships or friendships will always strain you because you always have to put into perspective how such a person would react or, you would always be explaining the little things you do. You have to account for 24 hours of your day everyday (Not that you will be believed). Essentially, you will be treated like a child and expect to treat that person like a child.
You will also be the one to always make the reconciliatory move and to always apologise. Its exhausting and if you’re a free spirit, you will always find yourself breaking loose.

Do you know such people?

You were always too young, i always knew and fought it
In those emotional, heart pumping moments, i didn’t care
I wanted to feel and live and flow just as you suggested
I wanted to live as one who knew no formula to tomorrow
And we did, albeit briefly,we were free with everything.
But life is often cruel in the way it dashes happiness
soon we faced the usual problem of thinking way too much.
We let logic, advice and rationalization dictate our lives
We let our passion die, we let go of those fiery nights.
I hear the echoes of foregone moments in darkness weeping
Weeping for they shall never be borne,weeping in loss.
Touches we could have had, hungry, hands raised in agony
and those kisses, so many forfeited, dying as hope wails
I was always older, you knew it and couldn’t give a care
but advice, logic and rationalization guided our thoughts.
We still are too young and much older, we still are alone.

You want me unhappy
To live everyday as a punishment for sins against you
You feel that my suffering is insignificant or unreal
Like all this time past has only been fun and games
You overlook all the loss i have had
Overlook all the altered dreams of tomorrow
Overlook my previously weeping heart
And wish me to stay in a state of remorse

You carry your pain like a badge of honour
That you can show me every now and then
yelling “You gave this to me” remember?
I carry my pain like a dirty secret
I hide it, sugarcoat it and look past it
Whispering “I refuse to live in the past”
You wish me to always remember my mistakes
I wish you would let me forget my shame

I want to be happy
To live everyday rejoicing for a better future
Knowing that i have cried and bled internally enough
Letting the past be healed albeit remembered
Etching out new dreams
Clinging to my blessings
Laughing and Loving
And living content with my everyday trials.

Almost everyone you meet will tell you that they want to have their own business and become their own CEO. The questions is, if we all became CEO’s, who will be the employee?

I pity people who become dissatisfied with their lives because society expects them to have bigger dreams. In case you did not know, not all of us are supposed to be the greatest or the best. We are meant to be the best that we can be and learn to be content while striving to improve. This means that there is someone who will be an employee all their life and will be happy with that, and there is that person who will become CEO.

Ambition is not something to be toyed with. The real kind requires passion, dedication, persistence,patience and  perseverance. Often times, we will fail one way or another. Not all people are gifted with the drive to be CEO’s and the worst you can do is to think of yourself as a failure when in reality, you had set a target that simply could not be yours.

If you think of the founding CEO’s you have encountered or even successful artistes, how many of them had it easy when starting? Many of them have had to make sacrifices like not having a family, starting out without a home, extreme study, poverty, child abuse…among many other undesirable characteristics. The sacrifices continue well into the life of the business.

I often think that people ought to ask themselves, while you covet someones life, do you honestly believe you could have endured what they did to get there?  If you turn the clock to the time before they had anything, could you have survived? I was one of those people that was fortunate to have parents who made sure that i never went hungry, always went to school and never lacked clothes to wear. Unfortunately, this could also mean that i got used to a stable comfortable life and may not be inclined to take high risks in life.

Another trait is that many of them started early in life. If you are past 25 and have yet to do anything that one can refer to as “hustling” you may not own your company one day and that’s okay. Just make sure that whatever you do, you rise at it to the best of your ability and always strive to improve.

 

I’m always drawn to you. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes, or what nonsense we put each other through. There is a force inside me that is all about you.

People always carelessly say that time heals all wounds but sometimes this is just a cop-out so that they don’t have to make the tough decisions for today. I should know, i am a master of running. The trouble is that not all wounds are meant to heal, some wounds are meant to be overcome and the scarring over time becomes a pleasant reminder of how much we overcame to be where we are. We did not run with the time excuse.

You see, sometimes someone leaves an imprint on you that time simply cannot erase. It doesn’t mean that you will not be happy, it just means that you always know that it could have been better.

People always also say that “you should learn from the mistakes of others”. trouble is that no one is perfect, and unfortunately some of us take time to mature in some areas. The painful lessons that we learn from experience, are usually the ones we are least likely to repeat and the ones that shape who we become. They are the most likely to help us extremely appreciate the blessings that we have and cling to them with our lives.

So as i acknowledge how much i am drawn to you, i also acknowledge that you may be one of those wounds that was never meant to heal and i do hope that the “time heal all wounds” cliche will at least prove to be true in my case for i do not appreciate a lifetime of thinking that it could have been better.