Month: May 2011

In life we always get a raw deal in something….e.g am at risk of developing diabetes type two,infertility, high blood pressure amongst other highly unfavourable conditions.

Apparently, i have had….for the longest time, a condition that causes insulin resistance which slows down consumption of glucose and blah blah blah (wont bore you with the scientifics), so i cant eat whatever i want whenever i want coz my body wont get rid of it as fast as i put it in…..Oh and the way i love to eat tasty stuff!! From chocolate to mbuzi choma to mangoes and black forest cake and peanuts and kuku choma and melons, not to mention ice cream !!!! Yum yum yum yum yuuuuum. Plus i have no allergies!! Talk about irony. C’est la vie

Not to mention that Maggie dearest has not been in the habit of self denial especially when it comes to cravings . I have always been secure in the knowledge that i could eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted without worrying about a few calories. Am not one of those self conscious ladies that considers a flat tummy the epitome of femininity!! Though i have standards too.

But Alas!! The older i have gotten, the more sluggish my cells have become!! and my body is punishing me for my lavishness and my lack thereof.

Consider this, two slices of bread with tea in the morning, half a cup of tea at 10.30am, a slice of melon, pineapple and 2 bananas for lunch, sugar cane at 5.00pm and dinner at 7.00pm (half a plate that is) of a balanced diet.

Now imagine yourself 5 kgs heavier on that diet in 3 months!!!!! (i click at this point) especially in the midriff section!!!

Am venting, i know, i know, there are people with greater problems than that but damn-it these are some of mine and am sure as hell going to vent if i want to!!!

Now i have to become a statistic and start “regular exercise” and crap like “watching what i eat and counting calories” coz a weekend of mad dancing just isnt enough anymore!! and my ever expanding mid section is now an unpleasant reality.

Sometimes, a colleague or random street person will comment to me “umekula sana” or ” na madam umeshiba” or some equally dubious ignorant comment, at which point i feel like hurling knives at them or cursing them or spitting at them. Little do they know that they probably consume 4X what i eat in a day and have the audacity to mock me coz thats the raw deal i got. How would you like it if someone made fun of your raw deal you ***hole? I almost say that but thank G od that cheerfulness is one of the things i got in abundance and most often i just laugh and say “Am happy, and thats why my body looks happy too”.

Whats your raw deal?

Am so embarassed.

Last night i had a wet dream about our company director..he’s 50 something i think. Anyway, in my dream, he was younger -around 30 and darker (he’s Indian by the way). I was watching him enjoying himself with some woman, almost like i had faded into the background when he stopped suddenly and said to me “i have a surprise for you”

He then revealed his brother, dark too and equally tall but more toned, i lamented out loud. “I can’t, i have a man” the shock woke me up to the realisation that “i have a man”. The rest is history.

I have recently been on a learning spree when it comes to cooking with spices and trying new recipes. I never realised what i’d been missing. Its so easy to use spices like turmeric, curry powder, garlic, black pepper, spanish paprika, cayenne pepper …the difference in the food is also very noticeable…so is the difference in the waistline. I now need to invest in exercise regimes…a story for another day.

I used to dread cooking, i used to dread the assumption that just coz am female, i must cook and clean and generally maintain the household. I mostly find that stuff boring, except for cooking. I love to cook and its mostly effortless.

Nowadays i have endless menus in my head on my way home. Take today for instance…

it could have been soya and rice, Beef, greens and ugali, potatoes in sauce and beef +chutney.I settled on Beefy,green potatoes with ugali…

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Your smile lights up my soul for it caresses my very being and all i do is mirror it

Your arms hold me as if i were a babe and in them i let down all my strength walls

Your loving evolves with our love, with time and with all our overcome trials

Your mind, Oh your mind, my big baby genius, your mind is a damn good asset

You learn, you teach, you grow and you become one of those “greek” speakers

blonde am not, but Oh your mind…endless capability

Driven to a point of reproach, focused to a fault, you work with all you are

You study passionately, aggressively and with a hunger to win, to succeed

You are assured of tomorrow for your mental strength matches the physical

You laugh with warmth, you smile with beauty and look with objectivity

You love me

I love you my baby genius.

He’s like a part of me that I can’t deny,
A force that lives and compels within,
A longing for more and awareness of it,
An addiction as sweet and as strong as life,
A fire as hot as the flames of hell,
A survival so basic in its very nature,
A sense of belonging that can’t be erased,
A healing of the heart so complete and true,
A feeling as pure as feeling at home.

You are his object
Simple and precious for use
In you no complications
Instead, moments of bliss
Hours of untamed pleasure
Unchecked, uncorrupted, no strings
You are his object, sexual that is.

You called me fickle coz am uncertain about you,
and why not? After all weren’t you the same way?
back then when all i saw was you and all i wanted,
back then when you hurt me with your uncertainty,
back then when i had to let you go find your way.
Now you’re back.
Trying to regain the same place in my heart
and calling me fickle coz am resistant.
to forget is not that easy, despite my feelings
and every so often i catch myself pondering
if your uncertainty will arise again
and is it not prudent to just shut you off again?
Such thoughts linger, despite my feelings
Despite my actions, despite my joy, peace
When we’re together.

You say am fickle because i care for you
yet fight being yours at the same time.
For you it seems obvious, as it did to me then

I will be fickle for as long as i need to be
when i forget or move on…you will not think it fickle.

17/04/2010

Lets put out the fire and drown ourselves in societal norms, family expectations and endless toil.

Lets cover the embers and form dark coals coated by routine, numbness and the slightest of joy.

Cast away the light candle flames for even the smallest heat causes agony and anguish.

Lets burn each other, turn memories into ash, decimate the elusive flickering hope.

Impudent little man, Proud of mist and vapour!

I must come forth as lamb, lay my head before thee

So you bequeath your crumbs and pickings

And dare suppose that’s nearly enough,

for a fairity such as i.

Daughter of a proud kamba man, fair as can be

Throwing forth love with careless disregard,

Even to such a disdainful mite as thee

As though I cannot see, you quiver just as i!

You long just as I! Are consumed same as i!

Impudent proud small man, I see you

I see you and love you entirely as you are,

Though deign to presume beleaguerement,

and forefeit thy log, I carry my spec proudly!

Impudent ignoramus, how soon you go blind!

Is it not you that caused me sight! How empty!

How dastardly shallow we are in our apart lives!

How soon you forget? Bathing in steam and gas!

How soon you forget! Cast away my willing head,

And become such an arse!

18/04/2010

I don’t want you anymore, not the you that you are

A guarded man afraid to feel, and afraid to live

I remember how you were, alive and permeating

Your essence overwhelming, I longed for you always,

You did with fire, felt with wildness and just loved

Oh how you dreamt, and Oh the passion. Not anymore!

I see a shell, a shadowy creature once a stallion

Giving with reserve and wanting with restriction

Poh! Now what kind of feeling is that? Or living?

Lacking in purity, pleasure, freedom and ecstasy,

Robbed of its core, of its magnificent beating heart,

I can’t live like that, I don’t know how, don’t want to

I don’t want you anymore, you are no longer whole.